9/22/2009 01:04:00 PM


When I was younger I used to struggle so much with Christianity because so many things about it didn't make sense to me.

By God's grace, instead of walking away puffed up with the conclusion that "because it doesn't make sense to me, so I cannot believe," He gave me an insatiable appetite for the seemingly irrational. The more it challenged my pride and my understanding of the world, the more I dug in because I was intrigued.

I guess now in retrospect it's not so surprising that I am a psychologist.

I still don't consider myself mature in the faith; I have so many shortcomings that even now I cringe when I recall them. But, one thing I take delight in is the realization that I have at least gone deep enough in my walk to acknowledge that Christianity is real to me precisely because so much of it doesn't make sense to me.

The more education I have, the more books I read, the more papers I write, the more people I know, the more I see just how limited and small human reasoning is. How long has humanity struggled with life's questions and still haven't figured out the solutions? If human reasoning is all there is and all we need, disciplines like philosophy wouldn't even need to exist the way it does now. I think the evidence is clear that human reasoning is extremely limited (whether or not people choose to accept that is another question). So, if my logic and brainpower is so frail and transitory, how could I believe in an all-powerful, almighty God if I could make sense of every single thing he does? If I could provide clear-cut, cookie-cutter, well-fitted answers for every one of life's tough questions?

If I could do that, I would either be a very excellent BSer, or God would not be God.

I used to think that the more I wrestled with doubt, the more I would move away from God. So in the beginning, I shied away from thinking about the tough questions out of fear I would lose my religious identity, something that took years to build. But now, having locked arms with God, pushing back and being pushed, I find myself in a much more intense, enlightening, and warmer embrace of Christ than I ever have before.


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