The last few times I've been in Vegas it's been full of crap.
No, really. Either I got into fights with my "parents" (read: my mother), or my sister, or my romantic/relational life/dreams/hopes get destroyed into smithereens.
I actually really enjoyed my time in Vegas this round.
It could be because of one of many reasons...
- I purposely kept the trip short, avoiding the holiday season by coming right after 1/1.
- I only saw my parents this time. No other complications.
- I am more mature.
Yeah, it's probably 1 and 2.
But seriously, I don't want to go back. Who wants to go back to cold depressing Jersey where I actually have to wear a winter coat to not die outdoors, back to work and internship interviews and dissertation. But I guess it's ok since the faster I get those things done the faster the next chapter of my life can start. Even though I'm really starting to think I will miss being a full-time student. I probably won't have this type of schedule ever again in my life. Sigh.
Grace
- Grace
- my life is run by a cat trapped in a dog's body, and a dog trapped in a cat's body.
Happy new year!
As dumb as I think resolutions are, it is nice to make some achievable goals so there is something to shoot for in the coming year. When you think about it a new year really doesn't mean anything, but it's probably nice to have the feeling that everything gets a new, fresh start. Insert that cheesy quote about shooting for the moon and landing among the stars here. For me it's more like shooting for the moon and at least lifting two inches off the ground, never mind the stupid stars. I'm not that idealistic. So I understand the feeling of hope and anticipation people have this week. At least until they start to epic fail their resolutions, then the feeling of motivated excitement gives way to disappointed disillusionment. But I digress.
2010 goals:
1. Finish my interviews in one piece and make a match rank list that is to my liking
2. Figure out why the heck God wants me to stay in Jersey (or East Coast) for another 2 years
3. Become more selfless in relationships. Man does it hurt to be selfless. I never realized how psychically painful it is to humble myself, especially when I feel like I'm entitled to something and even when I know I'm in the wrong
4. Start running/exercising routinely again. I'm staring at my gut as I speak. It mocks me, knowing that it'll reign supreme at least until the 6th, when I come back to Vegas. I glare and it blinks back, immovable and unfeeling as the mountains that resisted Mohammed. Sooo disgusting.
5. Read more books
6. Find a ministry
7. Write in my personal blog more (not this one... a private one)
8. Re-visit that bucket list
9. Defend my dissertation
10. Refine my cooking skills. I feel like this goal has been here forever since I started living on my own. But the fact that I managed to bake cinnamon oatmeal cookies for NYE and people actually liking them has given me encouragement to do this more intentionally.
I think that's good enough. 10 goals for 2010, some quicker to achieve to keep up my morale, others requirement more diligence and patience. Any more and I'm definitely setting myself up for failure. Anyway, if you have resolutions/goals for the coming year, share them for the sake of accountability.
Happy new year!... Again.
And the finalists are...
CT VA (West Haven)
NJ VA (Newark & Lyons)
MD VA (Baltimore)
UMDNJ (Newark)
Montefiore (NYC)
Trinitas (NJ)
UMDNJ (Piscataway)
American Lake VA (Tacoma, WA)
8 is not bad. I was not aware of this until recently, but supposedly I applied to some of the really competitive VAs (West Haven & Baltimore) where if I get matched there, I will totally kick butt as a psychologist specializing in SMI. My professional self would love to go there, but my personal self prefers to stay in NJ/NY. We'll see.
With all the internship/dissertation stuff and my mind focused on the future, I've been feeling pretty tired. I used to love hanging out with people, but for the past month or so I noticed myself becoming more reclusive. I look forward to staying in on the weeknights and meeting with only 1-2 people tops on the weekends. Big groups tire me. It may also have to do with the Driscoll sermon I listened to on Christian friendship that made me realize I really don't have as many genuine friendships as I thought I did (and this was only affirmed when PW started his series on genuine fellowship that same week). What bothers me the most is that all this doesn't bother me much (makes sense?). I'm pretty much ok with seeing less people for now. Maybe it is partly because my life is in flux, and I'm holding my breath to see where I will be. Once I find out in February, then I will have to start making some big decisions.
For now I'm focused on developing the genuine friendships I have - the ones that are God-centered, not activity-centered - and waiting to see what unfolds for the next two years of my life. I wish I could sound more excited, but that's how tired I am. :P
Internship interviews. I am in a state of 'controlled panic,' but still mostly at peace. I love God, and he is good.
Interviews completed:
CT VA (West Haven)
NJ VA (Newark & Lyons)
Interviews upcoming:
MD VA (Baltimore)
UMDNJ (Newark)
Montefiore (NYC)
Rejections:
Portland VA
Seattle VA
Boston Consortium
Bellevue (NYC)
St. Luke's (NYC)
Maimonides (NYC)
Coler-Goldwater (NYC)
Waiting to hear:
Trinitas (NJ)
UMDNJ (Piscataway)
Edith Nourse VA (Boston)
American Lake VA (Tacoma)
So I guess people are right when they say NYC is still psychodynamically oriented. Very much so. And except for Tacoma (and I'm totally expecting rejection from them), all the West Coast sites have turned me down. So God has definitely answered my prayers that he would close doors to places I 'should not' be for the next two years. It looks like I'll be sticking around the East Coast. Not sure how I feel about that yet.
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to
If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?
Ironic that this week is Thanksgiving... because it feels like this week is when things start to snowball into big rolling boulders of stress, threatening to mow me over in an overwhelming cascade of grumbling and complaints. I mean, I know I'm neurotic by nature, but today I just needed to take a break from it all, breathe, and write in an attempt to organize my thoughts.
Some highlights:
- Condo fee going up (again) to $315/month. I hate being confrontational but 2010 may be the year I really have to make an effort to attend the condo meetings. We don't hear about any progress in trying to recoup money from the previous association that screwed us over. The irony is, they always tell us about the increase in the same letter where they wish us a happy holiday season. I keep having a mental picture of someone stabbing me in the back while wishing me a happy birthday at the same time.
- My master's manuscript which has underwent billions of revisions is still in limbo because all my 'co-authors' (meaning advisors, supervisors, etc.) cannot agree to just support me and let me submit the paper. Too many chefs in the kitchen for a dish that should have really been mine.
- Some departmental politics at UMDNJ, where this girl who doesn't know me at all is assuming things and telling my supervisor things about me and my co-workers that are untrue. I can't stand it when people use others to try to gain leverage in a department. To top it off, she will be there tomorrow when I run the social skills group for a second time with a bunch of psychotic schizophrenia patients.
All this has left me feeling impatient, fed up with people, and aggressive. I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling this way instead of depressed, insecure and down. It's better to be angry and productive than to be a steaming pile of uselessness. But as I sit here and think about everything I can be mad at, I also feel a spiritual component to all this, that there is something almost tangible in the air, tempting me to grumble, to complain, to treat others coldly and to assume the worst.
I'm not sure if this post has any point behind this, but I suppose I just wanted to share that if you are also feeling the same way -- that during the holidays when everything is supposed to be like it is on TV (families coming together, everyone laughing, no stress, huge gluttony and yet retainment of slim waistlines), that it is most likely also a spiritual battle. I know that lack of gratitude leads me to be annoyed with God and to discount all the blessings I've been given, and it's going to take effort for me to push back today through devos, prayer and listening to some solid Driscoll teachings. I hope if you're reading this that you pray for me, that I would learn to be patient, accommodating and grateful this week, and that you know I am praying for you as well. Don't let the world and Satan rob you of the precious gift of gratitude this season.
"Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." - Joshua 4
"The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen" ~ Donald Miller (p. 106)