I don't particularly look forward to doing this since I have a tendency to remember pain quite well while forgetting the happy parts of my past, but here goes:
Last August: I was completely crazy. Unmet needs/expectations coupled with desperation and a mostly immature kind of love makes a really really bad combination. I did a lot of things that now I wince at and wished I had not done so that I could have preserved even just an ounce of dignity. While I think it is true that choosing pride over love is probably the stupidest thing a person can do, there is a fine but clear line between pride and dignity. And I totally threw away my dignity. When I sacrificed my dignity and received nothing but a mutilated mess formerly known as Self-Respect in my hands, that was the start of what I am going to call a "MAJOR POOP PERIOD" of my young adult existence.
August - December: I remember having enough strength to play the strong 'Christian woman/church intern' on the outside, but constantly crying every time I met up with PW to discuss my spiritual progress. Anger eventually replaced some of the grief as I railed against the people who were making my life even more miserable by their opposition to the vision I had for my internship, for the church and for what I thought was the best I could offer to the congregation. That was a REALLY hard period of my life. I think I lost some weight then. :P The good parts: Discovering the divine joys of running, being forced to lean on nothing, no one but Christ, because I had no choice, the development of a deeper faith as I chose to believe in Christ despite the turbulence in my heart.
Jan - March: The upswing! Working hard at the internship, and starting to be less judgmental and more patient with others. I think I still suffered some bouts of insecurities and loneliness then, but it was nowhere as bad as the previous months. Praying more to God, discovering the joys of learning more about him and returning to a more consistent mode of QTs.
March - July: Promising rise. Things seemed to be falling into place. The future was uncertain, but I was excited. I enjoyed praying for others and sharing with others what I've learned. And by this point I was definitely over last August. I knew by this time what I was ready for and felt like I knew more about myself. In ministry I will always be driven, discerning, preferring to cut to the truth and sharp "like a surgical knife" as PW puts it. I probably do that to a lesser extent with my friends. And I definitely do that at work. But I know I do not want to do that in my home life. I am a psychologist and scientist in work and ministry, but at this point I know that what I am looking for in a marriage and family is an opportunity for me to just be a supportive partner that simply delights in letting the man lead and pampering him. Yes, pamper. Of course there is partnership, but I don't want to lead in a marriage, only to serve. I don't know if this is 'biblical,' but that is what I realized about myself. That there is a clear difference in what I value in ministry (in myself) and what I value in my future home life.
Now: Deja vu! Deja vu! And not in a good way. I smacked my face against the proverbial wall of reality. I was totally ignorant of it until it socked me in the gut, leaving me breathless and wondering just why I seemed to be thrust in such a similar position as I was last summer. Different, but the same. But God is so good. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I would hope this did not happen just to 'test' me. I like to think that this was going to happen anyway, but that in God's grace He allowed me this time to react differently. Classy, not crazy, as Greg Behrendt would put it. Even if you think the other person is BSing you (or BSing themselves), or if you think they have hurt you unfairly and treated you without courtesy, act classy. For me, classy = be like Christ. Humble, suffering without hysteria, compassionate, just in His criticism of flaws, but always loving. Always wanting the other person to grow, to know God and to be filled with joy. Disappointment may abound, but my dignity is intact and my soul is right with God as I strive to focus on the good, on forgiveness, and whatever is 'praiseworthy' instead of what is sad and angry. And learning to respect a person's divine ability to choose, even if I do not agree, is one of the hardest and most precious lessons I've learned thus far. I learned it last year; I practiced it this time. Instead of losing myself in that dark hole again, I'm going to hang on to the cross and lean into the dip. The more I allow myself to wrestle through disappointments and doubts, to lean into this dip, the more momentum I'll gather for the upswing. And the peak will be higher than before.
The only difference between a lump of coal and a diamond is this: A diamond becomes what it is through time + pressure. It is funny, because I heard that in a sermon I listened to on Sunday. And a month ago, PW remarked that whether I believe it or not, I am a jewel that God is refining in the fire. I have faith that he is right (but maybe a cheaper jewel, like cubic zirconia :P) That's why I've been saying, it's been one of the most disappointment times I've had recently, but probably one of the best weekend I've ever had in my whole life. I think I still struggle with what people say about my calling, about who I am, and my fears that although I'm frequently called 'unique' or 'special' (not THAT kind of 'special,' OK) that actually works against me in some areas of my life. But I just gotta have faith that I was made by God this way for a reason and that I will be loved this way. I think there are some negative aspects of me that I have to work on, but I hope I resist the temptation to change ME.
Thanks for all of my close friends who have prayed for me, who love me and have been so encouraging. I hope to talk to you face-to-face in the future and share in more detail (a semi-public blog does not encourage me to get all Oprah tell-all about some things out of respect for others.) As Pastor Tim says, "Lean in!"
P.S. So to add to my conviction that God is totally shouting "I AM HEEERRE!", as soon as I finished this post, "Everything Is Beautiful" starting playing on my iTunes. That's the song that got me through last year's MAJOR POOP PERIOD. Listen to it if you haven't already. :D
Grace
- Grace
- my life is run by a cat trapped in a dog's body, and a dog trapped in a cat's body.
Here's why.
6/25-7/01: Mom and Grandma visiting New Jersey. I have not seen my grandmother in at least 3 years. It will be a pleasure to see her again and attempt to converse with her in my heavily accented, infantile Cantonese.
7/3-7/13: Greece: Athens, Mykonos & Santorini. Architecture, mythology, history, beaches, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I will be playing the part of the quintessential sidekick/3rd wheel, albeit a totally awesome one of course.
7/18: Liz and Kirby's wedding. I can't think of a couple who is more deserving of happiness. Time to boogie down with old MOBstas and get my jiggy on.
7/27-8/3: Las Vegas, Nevada. It will be like The Hangover, but less raunchy and more "all the single ladies!", as some other friends will also be there the same weekend. Fun!
Nice summer to prepare for internship applications and whatever the uncertain (but exciting?) future brings.
Awhile back I found this cool deal to buy $25 restaurant certs for $3 each. So being Chinese, I went all out and bought a lot of them without thinking about just when I might get to spend them. Now I am burdened with the heavy heavy calling to use all my gift certificates. So I had to wring Irene, Ruth & Elaine's arms to be my dates and to accompany me to Makeda's for Ethiopian food, which I've never tried.
It took some convincing, obviously. I am lucky I have such patient and generous friends. It is not easy to eat with me, since I tend to talk a lot. And people who talk a lot tend to have very stupid things come out of their mouths. The grace of God is truly manifest in my friends.
It's pretty easy to sum up Ethiopian food. At least for me -- it felt like I was eating Indian food. But with my hands and using sourdough crepe. Some of the meats were interesting. Most of them were really good, but two tasted like used coffee grinds. Weird, huh?
One thing I realize... Proverbs totally got it right. Good company makes food so much more enjoyable. Sucky company, on the other hand, totally gives you emotional (and sometimes physical) diarrhea. Ick.
1 certificate down... 4 more to go? 4 more dates with more girl friends. Too bad we don't have a witty equivalent to the male term "bromance." I would so be using it right now.
This past Saturday, I participated in the Don't Walk By Campaign (http://www.dontwalkby.org/), an outreach event for the homeless in Manhattan.
I was not too happy the night before I hear that temperatures were going to be in the 20s and that we would be out walking, combing the streets of Harlem for homeless in the bitter cold.
(As an aside: Why hello again Riverside Drive, I thought I left you and your bone-biting winter chill years ago when I graduated from Barnard, but I guess not.)
Covered in layers of clothing, ski jacket, hat and gloves (I really wished I had a ski mask though, it got so cold talking felt like I was doing it with Novocaine), we ventured out for about 3 hours in search for people who needed a warm place to stay for the night.
We did not come across many people as it was so cold that many of them were hiding out at Penn Station and other subway stops (and there were other teams who were assigned subway stations), but on the whole I was very glad that I participated in this event. I think just by being part of it helped me to realize the need in the city and how easily it is to not even notice the homeless once you start ignoring them. And I feel by doing this campaign that it has made it more easily for me to start seeing these people as people in the future.
But being faced with such poverty really is a 'make or break' moment. Do I believe that despite the limited things I can do that God is good? Do I believe God is bigger than poverty? Do I believe that good is going to win in the end?
These questions were on my mind at the end of the night as I stood in the crowded church. All of a sudden, I noticed a volunteer put her arms gently around a tired, dirty, and unshaven old man as he eagerly sifted through the volunteer lanyards to keep a couple for himself. She smiled and patiently waited for him to pick two he liked, even though they were all the same. I kept watching and took in her clean white coat, her put-together appearance, her blonde hair, her height, her white skin, her all-togetherness, and I watched as she without reservation interacted with the dirty smelly old dark-skinned homeless man. I felt all at once proud, shy, ashamed of myself, inspired, tired, and happy at the same time.
And I decided the answer was "Yes."
As part of Rutger's ridiculously smart decision (from both a marketing standpoint and a student perspective), RU recreation started offering "Dollar Menu"classes in which for a buck, you can try a bunch of one-time classes ranging from needlepoint to basket weaving.
I picked "Crisis Intervention for Women," aka self-defense. There is irony in the name "crisis intervention" especially since as a shrink in training it means something completely different. But this "crisis intervention" essentially means beating the crap out of your attacker, and I think it has its merits in specific situations.
Anyway, it was fun to learn some basic moves and get to practice them (gently) on another student. The instructors (a cop and a martial artist) taught us a variety of moves that I hope never to have to use, including:
Eye gouge
Nostril hook
Throat punch
Swim-through
Over-the-shoulder throw
And some others. Anyway, I basically learned that sometimes you want to do actions that are counter-intuitive in order to inflict the most damage on an attacker. And that you should always scream your shrieky head off when confronted regardless of what the attacker threatens you with, including guns and knives.
The instructors seemed very knowledgeable and obviously comfortable with their masculinity. At one point one of them lay on top of the other as if he was sexually assaulting him. Unfazed, the one on the back wrapped his legs around his partner and pulled him closer. The point was to emphasize that actually pulling an attacker closer to you takes him by surprise and actually puts you in control of the position, but I think all the girls in the room was... distracted at that point. Heh.
The teachers said if the class gets picked up as a full-course at RU they would be able to allow us to wail on them while they wear protective suits, and train us to feel comfortable with screaming our heads off. Sounds good to me!
Most Memorable Advice: "You don't want to just kick, you want to grab it... and then yank as hard as you can." Priceless.
So, I still don't know how to stop yet without landing on my butt, but at least I can kind of stay up for ~10 secs or so until I see an obstacle (e.g. a sign, a tree, a crying child). Then I try to stop and end up falling on my butt.
I'm glad though for people who pushed me to learn on green vs. bunny. If I stayed on bunny I think I would've quit early and called it a day.
And ladies: there is no better test to gauge a guy's character, than to see who stays behind to help you learn when they are tempted with the call of the mountain (I was going to say "call of the wild," but I thought that may be misconstrued as to mean "toilet," so I didn't).
1 down.... 50ish to go?
The big list of random, continued
26. Play in a band (praise team does not count)
27. Go to DC during Cherry Blossom festival, and have a picnic
28. Visit a Buddhist temple, a synagogue, an African-American church, and a mosque (if possible)29. Provide foster home for an abandoned puppy/kitty
30. Be part of a Big Brother/Big Sister mentoring program
31. Go to Disneyworld
32. Attend a Beyonce concert
33. Get dressed for a FANCY dinner out with friends for no reason (ie. bday, engagement...)
34. Get a manicure/pedicure and eyebrows threaded (I have never tried any of those things... always been a DIY kind of girl)35. Build.... something (assistant from the male species is ok)
36. Join a gym and actually go consistently for a year
37. Get married. Have sex? Have children? (Har har har. I mean, Have sex! Have children! Of course.)
38. Go on a cruise with friends39. Go to VEGAS! with friends40. Be part of a photoshoot41. Attend a taping of The Colbert Report or Conan O'Brien (unlikely for Conan, since he's moving to LA)
42. Write a children's book (note: find a friend who's an artist)
43. Witness a solar/lunar eclipse
44. Take fitness class I normally would not take, even if pushed
45. Be part of a prison ministry
46. Join a walk-a-thon
47. Ride a hot air balloon
48. Cultivate some form of a green thumb
49. Prepare an entire meal for close friends (from appetizer to dessert)
50. Throw a costume party
If I mention to tick off a good portion of this list, I'll allow myself to create 50-100.
We'll see what happens!
This includes things I have done, but want to make a purposeful attempt to do again, and things I haven't done.
As I do them I'll cross them out and journal about it.
Don't be hatin' on my list, if you don't like it, I don't want to hear about it :)
In no particular order.
1. Go skydiving
2. Horseback riding in the desert
3. Shooting range
4. Learn how to swim (after two failed attempts)
5. Master volleyball, or at least hitting the ball over the net with one hand
6. Hip-hop lessons
7. Ballroom dancing lessons
8. A full one-on-one game of Beer Pong
9. Try a new type of food (so no Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, etc...)
10. Get color contacts
11. Use an online dating site and actually go on a date with someone I've never met
12. Learn to snowboard (or attempt)
13. Go on a safari (Six Flags doesn't count)
14. Do Meals-on-Wheels or a similar outreach event
15. Teach a lecture course
16. Go-kart racing, like not just friendly racing amongst friends, but racing to totally PWN YOUR FACE kind of thing
17. Trip to Italy
18. Try eating sea urchins/blowfish
19. Ride a mechanical bull (maybe... this scares me more than skydiving)
20. Learn to ice skate (so does this)
21. Take self-defense class
22. Take an automotive class or learn to change my own oil, at least
23. Solo-karaoke in front of my friends (without using liquid courage)
24. Return for Africa for another STM
25. Go to Thailand/Cambodia to work against the sex trade industry