Being robbed of gratitude

Ironic that this week is Thanksgiving... because it feels like this week is when things start to snowball into big rolling boulders of stress, threatening to mow me over in an overwhelming cascade of grumbling and complaints. I mean, I know I'm neurotic by nature, but today I just needed to take a break from it all, breathe, and write in an attempt to organize my thoughts.

Some highlights:
- Condo fee going up (again) to $315/month. I hate being confrontational but 2010 may be the year I really have to make an effort to attend the condo meetings. We don't hear about any progress in trying to recoup money from the previous association that screwed us over. The irony is, they always tell us about the increase in the same letter where they wish us a happy holiday season. I keep having a mental picture of someone stabbing me in the back while wishing me a happy birthday at the same time.
- My master's manuscript which has underwent billions of revisions is still in limbo because all my 'co-authors' (meaning advisors, supervisors, etc.) cannot agree to just support me and let me submit the paper. Too many chefs in the kitchen for a dish that should have really been mine.
- Some departmental politics at UMDNJ, where this girl who doesn't know me at all is assuming things and telling my supervisor things about me and my co-workers that are untrue. I can't stand it when people use others to try to gain leverage in a department. To top it off, she will be there tomorrow when I run the social skills group for a second time with a bunch of psychotic schizophrenia patients.

All this has left me feeling impatient, fed up with people, and aggressive. I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling this way instead of depressed, insecure and down. It's better to be angry and productive than to be a steaming pile of uselessness. But as I sit here and think about everything I can be mad at, I also feel a spiritual component to all this, that there is something almost tangible in the air, tempting me to grumble, to complain, to treat others coldly and to assume the worst.

I'm not sure if this post has any point behind this, but I suppose I just wanted to share that if you are also feeling the same way -- that during the holidays when everything is supposed to be like it is on TV (families coming together, everyone laughing, no stress, huge gluttony and yet retainment of slim waistlines), that it is most likely also a spiritual battle. I know that lack of gratitude leads me to be annoyed with God and to discount all the blessings I've been given, and it's going to take effort for me to push back today through devos, prayer and listening to some solid Driscoll teachings. I hope if you're reading this that you pray for me, that I would learn to be patient, accommodating and grateful this week, and that you know I am praying for you as well. Don't let the world and Satan rob you of the precious gift of gratitude this season.

"Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." - Joshua 4

A million miles in a thousand years

"The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen" ~ Donald Miller (p. 106)

5 things

I haven't updated in awhile, so I'll blitz through the five things that are in my head right now:

1. Halloween - In NYC was crazy. Never ever rely on the subway during Halloween. Super crowded, filled with skanky girls and drunkards. Steph noticed a lot of drunk girls crying on the streets. Some guy dressed up as Dorothy from Wizard of Oz tried to pick us up, asking if we wanted to go to Kansas with him. Good food made it all bearable (not good-for-you, but it-tastes-good variety). Nicky's Viet Sandwiches, Otakfuku, Crif dogs, PDT, Virage. My stomach misses living in Manhattan. But not my cholesterol count.
   
2. Internships - Finally committed and pressed that "submit" button for places in NJ, NYC, West Haven, Boston, Baltimore, Portland, and Seattle. Scary to think I may not be here next year. Comforting to know God will never leave me to deal with changes and challenges by myself.
3. Dissertation - need to get started on data analysis. I hate data analysis. You start out with predetermined steps then end up in a million directions if the data doesn't 'behave' the way one anticipates. But a necessary step I must complete before the end of this year.
4. Singleness - For some time after August, I was pretty annoyed and sad about what happened in Vegas, but now it's so weird how mentality changes. Of course, I would still like to have a family someday, but for now I'm really enjoying not being in a relationship. This is (ironically and unexpectedly) creating some interesting developments as of late. Regardless, I am satisfied that my current focus is on God, family (spiritual and earthly), and career.
5. Thanksgiving - I can't wait until the holiday season. Enough said.

The feeling I have is probably like what someone who is skydiving for the first time feels as they stand at the edge of the plane, waiting to leap. Scared out of their wits, but deep, deep down inside, quivering with excitement. Altogether, not an inappropriate analogy for how I feel about my life right now.

Veritas

When I was younger I used to struggle so much with Christianity because so many things about it didn't make sense to me.

By God's grace, instead of walking away puffed up with the conclusion that "because it doesn't make sense to me, so I cannot believe," He gave me an insatiable appetite for the seemingly irrational. The more it challenged my pride and my understanding of the world, the more I dug in because I was intrigued.

I guess now in retrospect it's not so surprising that I am a psychologist.

I still don't consider myself mature in the faith; I have so many shortcomings that even now I cringe when I recall them. But, one thing I take delight in is the realization that I have at least gone deep enough in my walk to acknowledge that Christianity is real to me precisely because so much of it doesn't make sense to me.

The more education I have, the more books I read, the more papers I write, the more people I know, the more I see just how limited and small human reasoning is. How long has humanity struggled with life's questions and still haven't figured out the solutions? If human reasoning is all there is and all we need, disciplines like philosophy wouldn't even need to exist the way it does now. I think the evidence is clear that human reasoning is extremely limited (whether or not people choose to accept that is another question). So, if my logic and brainpower is so frail and transitory, how could I believe in an all-powerful, almighty God if I could make sense of every single thing he does? If I could provide clear-cut, cookie-cutter, well-fitted answers for every one of life's tough questions?

If I could do that, I would either be a very excellent BSer, or God would not be God.

I used to think that the more I wrestled with doubt, the more I would move away from God. So in the beginning, I shied away from thinking about the tough questions out of fear I would lose my religious identity, something that took years to build. But now, having locked arms with God, pushing back and being pushed, I find myself in a much more intense, enlightening, and warmer embrace of Christ than I ever have before.

sudden thought

It popped into my mind after I finished my Jeremiah chapters for today's devotions.

It would be a shame if I went back to Egypt. It would be so tempting but so stupid to choose immediate comfort over GOD, over perseverance. But how many times have I done that?

Village of 100

Don't know the source of these stats, but kind of interesting to think about.

One village of 100 people

World evangelism statistics: What would our world look like?
Raw population statistics overwhelm you. Here's one way of visualizing the world and its economic, housing, health, religious and educational needs:
Shrink the earth's population to one village of exactly 100 people. Apply the earth's racial, economic and other ratios to these 100 people. Here's how this village would look:

Origins:
60 would be from Asia
12 would be European in origin
15 would have come from the Western Hemisphere (9 Latin Americans, 5 North Americans, and 1 from Oceania)
13 would be from Africa
Sex / Gender:
50 would be female
50 would be male
Skin color
80 would be non-white
20 would be white
Religion:
67 would be non-Christian
33 would label themselves as "Christian"
Economics
20 people would be receiving almost 90% of the village's total income
Housing:
25 would live in substandard housing
Literacy
17 would not be able to read at all
Nutrition
13 would be malnourished
Life and death
1 would die within the year
2 would give birth within the year
Education
2 would have a college education
Technology
4 would own a computer

"secular" songs make the best praise songs.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel My love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel My love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in My mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel My love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like Me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel My love