The Katsu Diaries: Days 1-4

Hi everyone, I'm Katsu!

Eric got me a puppy on the 28th (duh statement).  Right now, Eric is fostering Carmen while Katsu and I adjust to living together in CT (I also didn't want to deal with a new puppy and a potentially crazy cat in the same car).  Katsu has been an affectionate puppy; I took him to my coworker's house, and he seems like he's more bonded to me now since he stays close to my side.

Cratetraining has been tiring, but not as stressful as I thought.  My main concern is leaving him during my work hours.  I have had to pleasure to hear Katsu's version of the "Shiba scream," and it ain't pretty.  I don't want my neighbors complaining, because that would most likely end up in Katsu not being able to live with me.  Good thing these two weeks are holiday weeks, so things are slower and I can spend more time with Katsu.

I can't wait to bring Katsu back to New Jersey and meet everyone.  He's a very shy boy and having lots of socialization will do him good!  If you have a dog, please bring him/her to meet Katsu!

Am I your friend? Really?

I took 28 (and counting) people off my Facebook friends list for "National Defriend Day" on Wednesday, including people whose names I don't recognize, people who I have not spoken to in 5 years for no good reason (other than that we mutually didn't care enough about each other), and people who post things that annoy me because they are so crass, foolish, and rude.

I'm not too ashamed to admit that I was really struggling with deleting people from my friends list, as if having 511 is "ok" and having "483" friends is "loserish."

The actual process is strangely liberating and enlightening - I realized through doing it how easily I crave approval from others and just how precious true friendship is.

The hardest part was deleting (yes, being honest here) old crushes or fake "just friends" relationships... not that I still carried a flame for the person per se... but I think it was more of an active illustration that I was really "letting go" and not going to allow myself to be tempted to do the crazy girl stalking thing, waiting for some glorious and dramatic "closure" to ambiguous endings that I think I need, but I don't really truly need.

I feel like by doing this I am really valuing my privacy more, and holding sacred my life and just how much of it I share with others. Also, strangely enough, that I trust God with my relationships - that if He really wanted me to reconnect with people in the future, He'll put them my way, in person, live in the flesh, and not through some pseudo-acquaintance on the internet where clicking "accept friend" is the furthest we'll ever go in terms of communicating with each other.

So, if you're still on my list: ta-da! I value you (or I value your farm on Farmville, so we can still be neighbors and I can get free gifts from you). Heh.

So, what have I been up to?

Mostly, interacting with people I thought I would never interact with.

• Ex-convicts
• Domestic violence perpetrators
• Parole officers
• Drunkards and druggies
• Rape and abuse survivors
• Suicidal vets
• People who hear voices
• Clients with frontal lobe injury which leads them to say/do inappropriate things
• Trauma victims (not "OMG, I saw Saw 2 and I was traumatized" and more "I saw my buddy's arm tearing off from his shoulder, and I couldn't do anything")

I have really been smacked in the face with two facts:

1. I have been extremely sheltered, which is both a blessing and a curse

2. Human suffering is universal and much darker, sorrowful, and tangible than I cared to acknowledge previously

3. Being a female in an extremely male-dominated work culture is a double-edged sword

It's been a wild ride, and while I don't enjoy every minute of it, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

As a Christian, once my eyes have been opened to the extent of good and evil, joy and suffering in this world, there's no way I can go back and live in my little cocoon where I think going to a soup kitchen once every other month is an acceptable offering to God. I'm not slamming those who have dedicated themselves to this since I think what God requires of each person is different. I'm just saying that isn't for me.

Most important, I have learned to value the gift of my salvation, and understand much more fully what my life might have been like without it. I am in awe that God has chosen me and it is a privilege to be in a profession where I can serve Him in some of the darkest places: in people's hearts.

That's what I have been up to, since my internship started.

Competent in Christ

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to feel stressed about the start of my pre-doc internship. I have been a student for +10 years and now I find myself for the first time in full-time work as a professional... sure, I am an intern but to my veteran clients who will be coming to me with schizophrenia, with depression and anxiety, with post-traumatic stress, with alcohol and drug problems, they're not going to know me as Grace the grad student but 'Dr.' Yan, their psychotherapist who is going to help them with their complicated, messy, sobering problems.

I definitely feel my knees buckling under the fear that I'll be found incompetent, lacking, disappointing my supervisors, disparaged by my peers for my lack of professional knowledge.

So, it has been a great comfort to me to read and re-read this, written by Paul to the Corinthians:

Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

I'm no theologian, so I won't attempt to go into the other things this passage addresses, but I will say that I take great comfort in this verse, because while I have always pictured Paul being this macho man of spiritual steel, in this verse I can almost hear the vulnerability in his heart, that he too sometimes buckled under this longing for approval, this fear of incompetency. It's one of the first times where I felt I could connect to Paul as a person, rather than a great, remarkable figure out of my reach. His assurance and reminder of what we should worship and what is the true measure of success really hits home.

I will be reciting these verses when I go in for hospital orientation Monday morning.

"Imagine a violinist. If, without having learned the least bit of music, he were to take his seat in the orchestra and right away begin playing, he would not only be disturbed but would disturb others. No, for a long time he practices by himself, alone. As far as possible not a thing disturbs him there; he sits and beats time etc. But his aim is to play with the orchestra. He must be able to tolerate the profusion of the most varied instruments, this interweaving of sounds, and yet be able to attend to his violin and play along just as calmly and confidently as if he were home alone in his room. Oh, this again makes it necessary for him to be by himself to learn to be able to do this–but the aim is always that he play in the orchestra. It is the same with faith and the task of living it out."

I love reading Kierkegaard.

#35, 41, and a Solid Rock

Done and done. I enjoy gardening more than I thought I would, and Stephen Colbert's a nice guy. I went back and read my list again and I have since lost interest in a good number of those things that are still undone. Oh how fickle I am. :P

There has been a lot on my mind since March. I went to Hong Kong, ate a ton of good food, met up with friends, but also had to process my grandfather's aging up close and personal when he had a stroke at the airport while receiving me from my flight. Not really going to write about my personal feelings about that, but I have thought a lot about death, dying and loss since that trip and also learning about my aunt's death and other 'losses' I am going to experience soon. And it all culminated in a very clear reminder that I have nothing to fear, because everything I have gone through and will go through - experientially, emotionally, spiritually - Jesus has been there. Everyone dies alone, but those who love Christ do not really die alone. I think the process of dying will only draw me closer to Jesus and it may be the most intimate moment I will have with him in this life, and that is great comfort.

The dust has settled

Now that I know where I am going in August for pre-doc internship (VA hospital [whoo-hoo!] in West Haven [blegh]), I'm trying to cram all my traveling & seeing family in before I depart Dirtee Jerzee for at least a year (or two).

Spring break: Fort Lauderdale
Spring break 2: Hong Kong
Sometime between spring break 2 and summer break: Dissertation
Summer: Originally Malawi, but on second thought, not such a good idea since I'll have to focus on moving. Maybe someplace in Europe for two weeks. Germany? Italy? Or maybe a cruise to the Caribbeans? If I have time & money then.

I can't believe I'm leaving Jersey. Mixed feelings.